Do you fit the "corporate culture?"

Are you over 50 and looking for employment? If you are, you may have noticed that there are a lot of jobs available in your field, but they don’t want you. My favorite response from the interviewer is “You are very qualified, but you don’t fit our corporate culture.” What in the world does that mean? The only “corporate culture” I’m interest in is… “Hi… I’m the boss… here’s what I want you to do… thank you for doing it... here’s your paycheck… now go home.”

Let me translate this for you. What they are saying is… “You’re to old.” Federal law does not allow an employer to discriminate because of your age but it does happen… all the time. I am presently looking for work as a computer programmer. I have been working in Information Technology since the days that we had those little beads on those wire thingy’s. The consulting firms that I have been dealing with have confirmed my suspicions. Fitting the corporate culture means that you’re under 30, will work for half the pay, you can spend at least 55 or more hours a week at your workstation and you promise not to die in your cube.

So… if you are having the same problem as I am, I offer some advice to you. The next time you have a face-to-face interview with a prospective employer… try this.

1) Light up a joint.
2) Hum a song by “Artic Monkeys” and bang your head on the interviewers desk.
3) Wear a backpack.
4) Make sure there is a snowboard or skateboard in your backpack.
5) Don’t wear your MP3 player on your wrist.
6) Use the phrase ‘Vodka and Red Bull” at least 3 times.
7) If outside activities come up, don’t use the words “recreation center,” it’s a gym.
8) If the interviewer offers you a latte, don’t look puzzled, that’s coffee.
9) Don’t ask if their health plan covers limb replacement.
10) Never tell the interviewer that his/her mother dresses him/her nicely.

Will this help? Probably not… but it will make you feel better.

Saving money will be the death of me

This is my first post in a new category I have created. "Senior Finances." I will be publishing articles under this category that will help you save money and find new resources for what you need. Some of these articles will be pure satire and some will actually contain helpful hints.

For this Friday morning, let's start with a little humor too start the weekend.

I mentioned in a previous post below that I have been attending many more funerals than I ever have in the past. I guess aging and leaving this mortal coil comes hand in hand with life. And have you looked into the current cost of a funeral? Well... here are some money saving tips to help you get through the big show.

1) Don't hire a minister, hire a Walmart Greeter.

2) If you opt for a creamation, ask them if they could just do chunks instead of ashes.

3) A casket, forget it. If a cardboard box is good enought for the homeless then...

4) Don't spend all that money on a burial outfit, go naked.

5) Police escorts are expensive. Forget it. Get one of those spinning lights from Radio Shack.

6) Have you ever priced a hearse? You must know someone who has a pick up truck.

7) Hold the reception at the Rescue Mission.

8) Burial plots are terribly overpriced. Do any of your friends have a basement?

9) Bubble wrap instead of satin linings.

10) Can you say "forget the whole thing." Maybe no one will even notice.

And two more suggestions from Lynn...

11) Don't buy flowers, just spray some Glade and call it good.

12) No need to fill the grave back up with dirt, let mother nature do the work.

You'll never get this kind of advice from Martha Stewart.

32 steps to finding true love

In my last post, I mentioned that I had tried a number of online dating services. On one of the services I responded to a woman who's profile attracted my attention. A few hours later I received an email which contained 32 questions that she wanted me to answer so she could decide if she wanted to take the next step and meet me. What has happened to just getting on the phone or sitting down over a cup of coffee and talking?

I decided to answer her questions... LOL.

1. Best quality?
I’m still breathing.

2. Worst quality?
I’m a male.

3. What's in your CD player right now?
I looked… wow… that’s where that sandwich disappeared to.

4. Do you normally wear boxers, briefs or no underwear?
What’s underwear?

5. What clothes are you wearing right now?
A tee shirt and shorts that Goodwill dropped off yesterday.

6. What clothes do you wear to bed?
A tee shirt and shorts that Goodwill dropped off two days ago.

7. Favorite alcoholic drink?
Nyquil.

8. Are there any foods you don't eat or can't eat?
That stuff at the Mission doesn’t taste too good.

9. What's the best dish you cook?
Boiled water.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not unless there is a dog involved.

11. Kiss on the first date? If no, after how many?
I don’t know… I’ve never gone on a date.

12. Do you smoke cigarettes?
No… too expensive. Would like to try one. Do you have one?

13. Favorite movie (or type)?
“The Modern Farmer” A documentary. Circa. 1953.

14. What is your living arrangement?
No more than one person to a cardboard box.

15. Children? (Have them? How many? Want more?) I have 2.
I love them. Want more. They taste good.

16. Do you like and participate in romance?
See Number 11.

17. Are you religious, if so what religion?
Well… I’ve been saved… I’ll be damned.

18. Why are you single?
See answers 1 through 17 and 19 through 32.

19. What is the ideal number of times to see someone in a week?
The welfare office allows 3 visits a week. Works for me.

20. Biggest turn on’s?
Finding extra meat in a dish of Ham Surprise.

21. Biggest turn offs?
Wet cardboard.

22. When you go out, where do you like to go?
Anyplace I won’t be arrested.

23. Prefer large groups or intimate gatherings?
It depends on the size of the current homeless population.

24. Are you a walker or a hiker?
Honestly… I have trouble crawling.

25. How do you feel about drugs & alcohol?
Is this an offer?

26. What part(s) of your body do you like the most?
The ones that haven’t fallen off yet.

27. What part(s) of a woman's body do you like most?
The space between her toes.

28. Tattoos or piercing?
Is this another offer?

29. How would you describe the way you dress?
Neo-panhandler.

30. Where is your ideal vacation?
East of France… the Burgundy region. Any place between Buxy and Cluny.

31. Perfect date:
Is your mother still alive?

32. Life motto:
“I don’t remember eating that.”

She never responded to my answers. I guess she wasn't looking for a guy with a sense of humor.

Resources for dating when you're 50+

If you're over 50 years old, what resources do you have for meeting like minded singles. Not many, I have discovered. Here are some of the places I have tried.

I've been attending a lot more funerals lately, that seems par for the course at this age, but most of the time the guest of honor seems to have more life than some of the attendees.

I've tried Goodwill on Senior days, but really, my eye for interior decoration is not that refined, and I am getting tired of being asked if this "compote would look good on an embroidered tablecloth."

The laundromat is boring. I have made up to three trips a week to wash clothes and check out the action, but to no avail. But I do have some of the cleanest underwear in the county.

I even tried the public library. But you can't really talk out loud there, and I got a detention for passing notes.

And of course, I've tried some of the online dating services. I did get a number of responses, but all these women needed was someone to drive them to a funeral, or Goodwill, or the laundomat or the library.

What's a guy to do?